Wednesday, January 5, 2011

How to fake being cool in 6 easy steps

Accept it, Bub, if you are reading this you are not cool and you have accepted you need help on your way to be a cool guy like me. But first, the bad news; you can't be cool. It's like asking Placido Domingo to write in a piece of paper how to sing. Coolness is something you have to be born with and nurture all your life, it's 100% attitude, but despair not! I will help you to fake being cool, chances are you don't have the Cool Gene but who knows? You may be one of the rare few who blossom into full coolness later in life, but then again you mightn't.

Follow these simple steps and you will be on your way of discovering your inner cool:

1. Have a firm grasp on what's cool and what isn't.
This clearly isn't

This is not as simple as it sounds, as it isn't clear to many what is and what isn't: You might believe that Hip is a synonym of cool, nothing further from the truth. Hip means what's popular at the moment, if you stick to fashion you will lose your cool in no time.

The first rule of cool is:

Cool means relaxed.

Follow this checklist and you will know if it's cool or not.

a) Is it something you could sleep wearing?

b) Can you listen to it while you exercise?
c) Is it understandable, not to the point of being obscure but not shallow either?
d) Is it easy to describe to someone who doesn't know it?
e) Is it associated with positive feelings without being too corny or shabby?
f) Is it honest and unpretentious?
g) Is it affordable or possible to get?

h) Is it original and /or has some unique quality to it?
i) Does it help you relax?
j) Would you consider sharing it with a friend who might like it?
h) Are you able to talk about it for a considerable amount of time?
i) Does it offer a second level of meaning (i.e. you could see it a second time and become aware of more details)?

j) Is it fun?

If you answer YES to most of these questions then you can consider it cool.

2. Cool must be self evident.

If you have to say to the world you are cool you probably aren't.

3. Politics aren't cool.

Coolest pic you will see of this totally uncool crowd.

This should be a no-brainer, however I have seen many lose their cool over this. Adhere to a political party or champion a cause and you are not cool. Just look what happened to Bono, the coolest cat in the world back in the day, he started activism and now intellectuals in Africa organized an even just to tell him to stop.

Stopping starvation in Africa one yummy baby at a time.

Nowadays the guy is a bloody joke.Same thing with Rage Against The Machine's Zach de la Rocha when he left the group to play folk music, with Tom Cruise and John Travolta when they became active promoting Scientology...And all of them have way more cool that you could ever handle, what awaits you, stupid mortal?

Besides, causes and political parties are totally lame, people only join causes to try to fix the world when they can't fix the persons in the house they live in. Also, choosing a cause means ignoring many others, so why bother, anyways?

4. To be a hater is totally uncool.

Hate everything, criticize everything and you will  not only be perceived as not cool but as a total douchebag. You may think that finding fault at everything and that nothing fills your standards makes you superior, but it doesn't. It's cool to like things, however it's not cool to like everything either.

People assume that's OK to hate all mainstream culture, "if it's on the radio or on TV it's junk culture for the ignorant masses", that's a totally lame belief. Just remember, hating everything is a sign of ignorance, not of virtue.

Ok, hating him is totally cool, I'll give you that.
5. Don't lie
or your face will stay like that.
Lying is the uncoolest thing ever. People think that adorning the truth or exaggerating to make themselves appear better will improve their standing in society. Nothing further from the truth. Lying is a zero sum game, unless you have a prodigious memory or keep the habit of writing a diary you will have to lie to cover the first lie, and so on.

The biggest problem with lies is that it only takes people to uncover one and you will forever be dubbed a liar, no matter what you do, one mistake and it's the end of the road. 

Telling the truth is easier, you don't have to remember a whole lot and overall, it removes the anxiety of ever being caught, thus improving your cool attitude.

6. Don't be a dick.

Don't be Andy Dick either.
The easiest way to be cool is to be easygoing and friendly while sticking to your convictions. Appear relaxed and open to discussing new ideas, don't close yourself to dialog. Don't be aggressive with the people around you, be helpful and polite. A very easy rule of thumb is:

Hold the strong conviction that it's wrong to hold strong convictions

This, for many, is the most difficult point, you will find people as hateful as you that will bring that part of you to the surface, that's the main obstacle to cool, you will fit in with them but with no one else. Be cool and you will fit in anywhere.

The second rule of cool is: It's cool not to be cool all the time. if you try to be cool 24/7 you will look tired and forced, thus uncool.

Tell me your success and failure stories, now that will be so cool!!!

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