Saturday, July 24, 2010

10 stupid things about comics

Don't get me wrong, I love comics. They have given me endless hours of joy, made me laugh, but also made me cry and rage. For every Watchmen there are hundreds of mediocre comics,for every brilliant story arc there are tired old clichés that need to be put to sleep, these ten things are a personal pet peeve of mine.

10. Getting superpowers always means running around in pajamas

You are a victim of a chemical laboratory accident, come to adolescence and manifest your latent mutant power or get bitten by a radioactive halibut, what do you do next?
Of course combat crime! But you have to protect your loved ones from the vindication of such criminals, what shall one do?

Of course, silly me.

9. Death has a revolving door.

Oh no! Captain Pastiche has died in the line of duty! Such a heroic sacrifice! Such lavish funeral and the heartfelt farewell of all his friends, but wait! Less than 6 months later he is back! Turns out the Captain Pastiche who died was a clone/ a robot / a ghost/ from an alternate universe / a shapeshifter /an illusionist. Then the new creative team comes with new ideas and kills him for real! Next issue he is revived through magic/hyperdimensional science/alien medicine.

Don't worry they are all OK now.

8. Being a woman and loving a superhero is a capital offense.

Oh no! The new bad guy in town is the real deal! He has brutally murdered/crippled/tortured/raped/all of the above our hero's girlfriend!!!

Except because it has been done so many times there is a whole website devoted to it;

7. Superheroes cannot/have not/will not/do not want to influence world events.

They have god-like powers, they could end world famine and disarm every hostile power in a whim, Super Elastic Scientist has technology that could cure cancer/aids/ebola/malaria/the common cold in a jiffy, yet the choose to let humanity decide their fate.

Even when Doom has done even greater atrocities he is no match for some real world angst. What a pussy.

6. The new superhero in town beats the old supervillain without even breaking a sweat.

Squirrel-friggin'-girl defeated Dr.-Bloody- Doom.

5. Wretched-looking heroes get hot girlfriends.

Whatever you do NEVER click this link, this is rule 34 in action, DON'T ever think about clicking THIS.

4. Spiderman has had to contractually appear in every Marvel comics title even if it doesn't make any friggin' sense.

3.Marvel's utter lack of respect for their own properties.


Hey! I am soo kewt!!!! I can haz genocide???

2. This guy:

I hate drawing feet!!!!

Even when drawing people in "calm"scenes they shall grimace!!! It's edgy!!!

Oh no! Someone has revealed my utter lack of knowledge about anatomy!!!


Oh no, I did it again! I shall rename this character the Incredible Wretched Girl

1. There are hundreds of superpowered individuals, yet bank robberies and petty theft are still committed every day.

You would think that by now the criminals of Ersatz City would have smarted out, as no matter what they do they are always foiled by Pastiche man and his trusted sidekick, but no. Even when the hero could use supersmell to bust every meth lab in the world and end the war on drugs he chooses to stop small time thieves one by one instead.

Even with the spiffy outfit they shall know by now that the superhero is waiting for them outside.

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