Wednesday, December 16, 2009

How I would improve TWILIGHT

Accept it,the Twilight craze is everywhere. The same power that has made vampires popular; the sex appeal, the sense of tragedy, immortality and bloodthirst, is what has wrought their undoing.
Vampires are monsters. Sexual monsters, eliminate one from the equation and you have nothing. Long gone are the days of Nosferatu, The Hunger, even Interview with a Vampire, which believe it or not is more than ten years old.

And as I stared agape as how this corny edulcorated travesty became really popular I decided to conduct a little experiment, I would watch it, voluntarilym as it was just starting on Movie City.

And because I found out that it had lovely Christian Serratos in the cast.
C'mon, she can reach the doorknob!!!

So, I went and saw the whole thing, I was not angry at it, I was distraught, as I felt the bloody thing was incomplete, I spent many hours going through it in my mind and all of the sudden epiphany hit!

It could be better.

So, without further ado, Let me tell you how I would make Twilight a better, even watchable movie:


We see Peter Faccinelli (three months my senior, OMNG) with dyed hair as the spitting image of Tom Cruise as Lestat in Interview with a vampire.

You can't get any gheyer than this.. OH WAIT YES YOU CAN

who basically sits around doing pretty much nothing, he is an emasculated patriarch, playing baseball and cooking human food with his pretty-looking family of cardboard cutouts.

But what if things were different?

The very concept of Vampire Baseball is wrong in so many levels...

Carlyle is an outcast of Vampire society, he rejected the way of the Predator in order to follow a legendary way of Vampire Enlightenment (In Vampire:The Masquerade terminology this is called Golconda) and he parted with similar minded vampires in order to create a small coterie dedicated to cultivate their humanity and pursue a semi-normal existence, where they could even, in a limited way, mingle with humans.

Edward is his child, his progeny. Carlyle embraced him because he saw himself in him, even as a human Edward couldn't fit into society, but was kind-hearted (Edward even hints that his appearance is part of his vampire existence, it would be interesting to imagine that Edward was plain looking, even deformed when he was human) as well as the rest of his small cult. Carlyle knows that high humanity translates to a more human appearance, the capacity to blush, mimic breathing (Vampires don't do it), eat human food and develop a higher tolerance to sunlight. (That beautiful sparkle Edward gives while under the Sun? Well, if he overdid it he would be reduced to ashes, as every other vampire)

When Edward meets Bella he sees himself all over again, he makes the same mistake Carlyle made with him a century ago, he sees himself (in my version Bella is even more average looking, just as in the book) so he wants to approach her to understand the human condition, he develops feelings because he perceives her as "safe".

Everything is fine until Edward takes Bella to meet his family and Carlyle lays eyes on her for the first time (Yes I am well aware Carlyle takes care of Bella just after the car crash, couldn't the doctor in the family be Esmee instead?). Carlyle is happily preparing the salad, when he sees Bella he just cracks the bowl. Just as if you showed some quality-grade heroin to a recovering addict. Edward just reintroduced Carlyle to his former primary source of nourishment, young virgin women (we also know beforehand that Bella is menstruating, Oh, the scent of virgin blood!). The dinner goes as planned, but Carlyle has to excuse himself, he is all shaken up by the experience.

Then a series of mysterious murders ensue, girls from Bella's school (Yes, in my version Suzie Crabgrass dies, much to my chagrin). Charlie Swan, Bella's dad, becomes increasingly suspicious and overprotective (then again, who wouldn't? his daughter is hanging out with a kid who is always tense, never smiles and is as pale as paper)

The vampire baseball scene still takes place, but it's not interrupted by the Trackers (they are unnecessary in my version), Bella cuts herself with a splinter, the vampires usually grab the bat a little too tight. At the smell of blood Carlyle goes full vampire, Esmee and the other members of the family contain him and give Edward a chance to take Bella as far as possible from the bloodthirsty monster.

The chase that ensues continue taking place,but Charlie is also a pursuer, in his mind Edward got his daughter in some crazy shiat and now they are running together.Carlyle also goes for Reneé, Bella's mom, but he tortures and kills her losing more of his humanity on the way, and he ambushes Bella at the dance academy with the promise of delivering her mom.

The showdown, where Carlyle delivers Reneé's head, becomes more poignant and tragic, here is a monster who was Edward's beacon of virtue, Carlyle gives Edward the choice of giving up Bella to him and leave his life for good or be destroyed, Edward has no doubt in his mind, he has to stop his sire at all costs. Edward puts a stake to Carlyle's heart and then burns the building to the ground.

Bella is safe, but now Edward has committed one of the worst crimes in Vampire society, he has destroyed another vampire, so now the Volturi, the enforcers of Vampiric traditions, are coming to destroy him as he has become the prey. He can't take Bella with him, nor embrace her as he knows that it would mean her certain death.

And with Edward gone fugitive New Moon starts in an organic, non-awkward manner.

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